i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Randomize
