Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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