tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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