Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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