I am puke
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize