glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
