this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
You ate ashes out of my bong
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
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