i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Randomize
