How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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