i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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