i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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