there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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