Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
