Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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