I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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