hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
