and next time when you feel me up, do it right
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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