She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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