i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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