If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Help. Why am I so naked?
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