Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
