What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
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