If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
