so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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