You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
