Having a random hookup so left but love u
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize