I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
