i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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