My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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