Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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