bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize