God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Randomize
