but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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