mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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