T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
