Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
