What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
