note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize