When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize