I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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