Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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