brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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