Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
