I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
