I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
