See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
