I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
