you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
