who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
