I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
