so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
