can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
