i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
