Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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