I'm jealous of your bromance
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
It's rum buckets o'clock
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
