I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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