Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
