you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
