tonight lets celebrate not being married
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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