i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Randomize
