You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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